My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
