I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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