I wish my penis had an off switch
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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