She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
