i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
