Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
