could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
