When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You ruined the universe
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
