Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
