dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
