he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
