I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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