Sacagawea was the original milf.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Randomize
