whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
