i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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