god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
