Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
