There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
