it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
