i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
