forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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