Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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