Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
