Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
