oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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