Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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