it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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