I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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