Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
