When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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