Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
