Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
