she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
