This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
