be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
