lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
