Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
