I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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