I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
