dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
we're so committed to being not committed
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
