lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
