I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
