I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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