Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
