If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
