Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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