My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
