Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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