He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
