I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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